A man walked into a bar and explained to the bartender that he had had a very bad day and wanted the most potent drink there was. The bartender explained that he would make the drink, but the man could only drink one. After drinking the one, the man wanted another. The bartender said that one was enough but the man insisted. After drinking the second one, the man wanted a third. The bartender said that no one had drank two much less three. The man insisted so the bartender reluctantly made the third. After drinking it, the man stumbled out very drunk.The next day the man walked into the bar and told the bartender "I had the worse night...I went home and blew chunks". The bartender said I told you so...they were potent drinks. "No", said the man, "you don't understand...my dog's name is Chunks".
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but thinks "What the heck, I really want a drink". A gay waiter swishes up to him and says "What's the name of your penis?" The customer is shocked and says "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the customer says "all right, what's the name of YOUR penis?". The gay waiter says "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT". The customer thinks for a moment and says "The name of my penis is "Secret". "SECRET?" says the waiter, confused. The customer says "Yeah ... STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!".
A woman goes into a bar and orders 21 gin martinis. The bartender tells her she can't handle them all, but she insists he line 'em up. He does, she drinks them all down and passes out. A guy sees her there passed out and says, "You know, we could all fuck her and she'd never know." So they all do.
After a while, she wakes up and goes home. The next day, she goes back to the bar. The bartender recognizes her and says,
- "Another 21 gin martinis?"
- "No," she says, "they make my pussy hurt."
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
- "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
- "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
- "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
- "Yeah, my first blowjob."
- "Well, in that cane, let me give you a 7th on the house."
- "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands...
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companiesdecide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Carlsberg' orders a Carlsberg, and the list goes on...
Then the waitress asks Freddie Heineken what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Heineken orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Heineken?" his colleagues ask...
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
A doctor used to visit the same bar every day and order the same drink day in/day out. "Fix me an almond Daquiri, Dick!" the fellow asked. "Coming right up!". This was the way it went for years on end. Finally one day, the bartender realized there were no more almonds anywhere in his inventory, and his customer was waiting anxiously at the bar for his favorite beverage. In a hurry, he figured that he could use a hickory nut, crush it up, the man would never know the difference. Well, the doctor took a sip of the drink and said "Is this an almond Daquiri, Dick?". "Well, no, it's a hickory Daquiri, Doc."
Fella in his hospital bed keeps ringing for the nurse because he has to take a dump really bad. He can't hold it any more and finally messes in his bed. To clean it up, he pulls the sheet off the bed, wads it up, and tosses it out the window. Joe, the local inebriate, is on his way to his favorite haunt when this sheet happens to land square on his head. He staggers into the bar, and the bartender, taking one look and a getting a whiff of the brown stuff, sez, "Joe, you smell AWFUL." Joe sez, "You would too, if you just beat the shit out of a ghost."
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk. "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies. "So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager. "well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!".
A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman. "Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?" "Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian." "Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beiruit?"
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked. "I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied. "I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third. "OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"
Six men who were feeling no pain were staggering down the street about one in the morning. Laughing and singing loudly, they walked up to a two-story home. One of them managed to make it to the door and pounded on the doorbell insistently. A light came on in a upstairs window. The spokesman for the group yelled up, "Is this where Mr. John Smith lives?" "Yes, it is. What do you want?" "Are you Mrs. Smith?" "I am Mrs. Smith. What do you want?" "Could you come down here and pick out Mr. Smith so the rest of us can go home?"
One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."
A guy walked into a bar and ordered a glass of 5-year-old brandy. The bartender promptly gave him his drink. After taking a sip, the man told the bartender that he had given him 1-year-old brandy. The bartender apologized and poured him another drink. The man took a sip and complained to the bartender that he had given him 3-year-old brandy. The bartender apologized and poured him anohter drink. The man took a sip and replied to the bartender that this was 5-year-old brandy. Having overheard the conversation, an elderly man replied, "You sure do know your brandy." The man proudly said, "I like to think so." The old man asked if he would taste his drink and tell him the age. "Sure," he replied and began to take a sip. Quickly, the man spit out the drink and yelled, "This is not brandy! It's pee!" "Yep," replied the elder, "now tell me how old I am."
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I switched cocks." "What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
The middle aged gentleman stopped in at a neighborhood tavern and was enjoying a drink at the bar when a young man with a huge multicolored mohawk took a seat next to him. He couldn't help but stare at the young man. "Hey dude, what's your problem?" the mohawked man barked, clearly annoyed. "Didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were young?" Of course. That's the reason I was staring," the older man replied. "Once when I was young, I got really drunk and had sex with a peacock on dare; I couldn't help wondering if you were my son."
A guy wandered into a bar and ordered a martini. The bartender provided it, and he drank it down. When he finished it, he started nibbling on the rim of the glass. He kept nibbling and nibbling until there was nothing left but the stem of the glass. He then threw the stem over his shoulder where it broke into pieces on the floor. By now, quite a few of the patrons are watching this go on. He ordered another martini, and repeated the performance; nibbling the rim of the glass around and around until there's nothing left but the stem, which he threw away over his shoulder. Several patrons are staring at him with their mouths open. He ordered a third martini and did it all over again; nibbling down to the stem and throwing the stem over his shoulder. After the fourth time, he paid his bill and left. All of the other barflies are staring at him in amazement. The bartender said, "That's the weirdest thing I ever saw!" "Yeah," said a customer, "He's throwing away the best part!"
After spending a happy evening drinking together, two acquaintances promise to meet again in ten years at the same bar, same time. Ten years later, the first guy walks in, looks arouind, and sure enough, there is his friend on a bar stool. He clasps the old friend's hand and cries, "The day we left, I didn't think I'd really see you here!" The friend looks up, stares, sways slightly and asks, "Who left?"
A man walks into a bar one night and asks for 3 drinks. The bartender asks the man what is wrong, to which the man replied, "My oldest son is a homosexual." So the bartender gives him 3 drinks. A few months later the man walks in and asks the bartender for five drinks. Again the bartender asked the man what was wrong. "My second son is a homosexual." The bartender gives him five drinks, and the man goes on his way. Several months later, he walks in again and asks for ten drinks. The bartender again asks what's wrong. "My youngest son just admitted he's homosexual." To which the bartender replied, "My goodness, isn't there anybody in your family that like women?" "Yeah, my wife does."
A man enters a bar and asks the barkeep for a shell, as the barkeep serves him the man reaches into his coat pocket and places a small piano upon the bar then out of the other pocket he produces a 12 in high man who begins to play the piano. The barkeep is amazed and ask where did he get them. The man answers with the typical gene reply there by the barkeep ask if he still had the bottle and if so would he sell it? The man answered that he might still have the bottle and if so the barkeep could have it at no cost, he left and returned shortly with a old bottle giveing it to the barkeep. The barkeep ran to the other end of the bar and soon the bar was filled with thousands of ducks. The barkeep returned to the man complaining that that he wished for 10,000 fucks not ducks. The man replied " due you think I wished for a 12 pianist"?
A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink. He notices that at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever seen. He is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have her. He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any Spanish Fly in the back. The bartender says he will check and comes back a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder. He says to the man, "We are all out of Spanish Fly, but this is Jewish Fly, and it is guaranteed to get her over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!" The man forks over $10 and asks the bartender to mix the Jewish Fly into a champagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with his compliments. The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero rather disinterestedly, but about 20 minutes later she slinks off her barstool. She saunters across the room in a most seductive manner, oozing sensuality. She reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shoulders and leans in close to his ear. He can feel her breath on his neck as she whispers, "Hey big boy ... want to go shopping?"
