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Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes, and then says, ``Dammit, I said UP.''
An obnoxious drunk in a bar trying to get a girl to go home with him says, "Hey, baby, how do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Girl says, "Unfertilized. Beat it!"
A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him. So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that noone will steal it then. Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"
A guy from up North (Canada) goes into a classy bar in the South (States). This bar has a dress code, and the maitre d' demands he wear a tie. Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to sulk when inspiration strikes: He's got jumper cables in the trunk! So he wraps them around his neck, sort of like a string tie (a bulky string tie to be sure) and returns to the bar. The maitre d' is reluctant, but says to the guy, "Okay, you're a pretty resourceful fellow, you can come in... but just don't start anything"!
This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish Joke..." The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers" "Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piana player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll play it."
A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said, "It's a ladybug." After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, "Good Lord, what incredible eyesight you have!"
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks: "How do you get into those pants?". The young woman looks him over and replies: "Well, you could start by buying me a drink...".
This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"
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In a Poor town in the middle of nowhere and no women...... A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?". The bartender replies, "It's not that bad, sir, when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. It never sounds appeasing at first, but after one try you're hooked." So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel. At that, he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he ventures back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?". To which the bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel".
A man walks into a bar. Sits down and drinks beer after beer, till at last he runs out of cash. The bartender knows, and refuses him more drinks. After the mans incessant pleading, he agrees to three more, on the house, if he does three things. First he has to knock out the bouncer, a strapping young man. Then he has to pull a bad tooth that belongs to the bulldog in the back, and have sex with the town runaround who is sitting by herself at the end of the bar. "No problem" he replies, and proceeds to the door where he knocks the bouncer out, with one blow! The bartender, amazed, points then to the back. The man nods, and heads off to pull the pooch's tooth. After a second, all that can be heard is the dog barking loudly. "Ruff ruff ruff". Ten minutes later, again. "Ruff ruff ruff". Again, after ten, "Ruff ruff ruff". The bartender begins to worry until he finally sees the man coming around front, a proud look on his face. He grins at the bartender and says, "Ok, nows where's the runaround with the loose tooth?"
This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender serves the drink, the guy asks, "Hey, I heard a good Aggie joke the other day. Do you want to hear it?" The bartender says, "Well before you tell it, I should warn you that I'm an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of the bar? They're Aggies. And see those guys over at that table. They're Aggies too. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?" The guy replied, "Hell no! I don't want to explain it five times.......
A sea anenome floats into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy a drink for that man in the corner." The bartender takes the drink to the man in the corner and says, "This is from your friend over there." The man replies, "With anenome like that, who needs friends?"
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments,
- "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
- "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
- "Gee, that's tough," he replied.
- "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
- "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
- "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
- "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
- "Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
A bear went into a bar and ordered a beer. He gave the bartender a twenty and the bartender went to the other end of the bar to put the money in the register. The second bartender whispered to the first, "He's a bear, what does he know, shortchange him." The first bartender brings the bear $10 in change. A little while later the bartender starts talking to the bear and mentions, "We don't get many bears in this bar." The bear replies, "I'm not surprised, at $10 a beer I sure won't be back again...
Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper,"Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!" "That's not so great, "responded the friend. "There's a bar across town That'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free." "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."
A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones. "Where the hell you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden." "Bullshit! There's no such place!" Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the ext day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old man's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
A guy knocked off early from work and checked in at the local saloon. By two o'clock in the morning, he was three sheets to wind, all of 'em ripping bad. Buying a pint of tequila for the road and slipping it in his back pocket, he staggered outside, tripped over a curb and fell on his ass, busting the whiskey bottle. At home, the pain hits. He looks in a mirror after undressing and sees the blood and the cuts on his butt. Trying to focus on the mirror, he repairs the damage as best he can, then crashes in bed. The next morning, he wakes up with a hangover from hell, feeling like he'd been chewed up by a coyote and shit off a cliff. He looks up through the pain and fog, and sees his wife standing beside the bed. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late and I stopped off at the Lonesome Dove for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers, hell!" she snorted. "You got so plastered last night you couldn't see straight!" "What makes you think that?" "My first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the bathroom mirror."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "Now what?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeep. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender brings his beer, and says " None of my business, mister, but how come you got such a small head?" The guy sips his beer, and says, " Well, a few years back, I was shipwrecked on a small island. After a couple of weeks of being there, I found this bottle, and when I rubbed it a genie came out. She said ' For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes.' So, being shipwrecked, I wished to be rescued.' A ship is on its way' she says. Next, I wished to be rich.' You will have untold wealth when you return home'. Well, having been on the island alone for awhile, I wished to have sex with the genie. She said, 'I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to do that.' So I says, Well how about giving me a little head?"
A man in a bar put a $10 bill on the bar and said to the bartender, "I'll bet you this $10 I can make you cry." The bartender looked at him, at the $10, and said, "How are you going to do that?" The man said, I'll just talk to you and make you cry." The bartender said, "I'll take that bet," and put $10 beside the other man's money. The man then said, "This might take a few minutes. I have to wait for Boo." The bartender said, "Boo who?" He realized immediately that he had been taken and watched as the man picked up the $20 and left. The bartender thought a minute and decided to get his $10 back the same way he lost it. So, when a black man walked up to the bar, the bartender put $10 on the bar and challenged the black man just as he had been challenged. The black man accepted the bet and put his $10 on the bar. The bartender then said, "This will take a few minutes. I have to wait for Boo." The black man said, "Who be Boo?"
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
A guy walks into a bar and notices he's the only one there, apart from the barkeep, who's on the phone. The barkeep signals him that he'll be with him in a minute. The guy nods and bellies up to the bar to wait. Suddenly, he hears a little voice say, "Hey, you're looking pretty sharp today. New suit?" The guy looks around but can't see anyone else in the place. He hears the voice again. "Seriously...you are looking good, chum. Have you lost weight?" The guy looks around again and still doesn't see anyone. "Hello?" he asks. "Is someone speaking to me?" "You bet! I just had to say that I thought you were looking just super!" A bunch of other tiny voices suddenly rose in agreement. The guy realizes now that these voices are coming from a bowl of beer nuts on the bar in front of him. He stares at them as the barkeep finally hangs up and comes to serve his only customer. "What'll you have?" asks the barkeep. "What?... Oh, a pint of ale, I guess", mutters the guy, still staring at the nuts. He finally looks up at the barkeep drawing his pint. "What's the deal with these nuts?" he asks. The barkeep brings the guy's pint over and sets it before him. "They're complimentary", he shrugs.
David walked into a bar, sat down and brought a beer. The bloke siting next to him looked at him and said "I have a proposion for you". "Yeah, I'm listening", David replied. "I have a frog which gives the best head you have ever had and I'm prepared to sell you five minutes with it for five bucks, what do you say?" David paused for a moment before handing the bloke five dollars and saying "What the hell, I'll give it a go." The man handed David a small green frog. David took the frog and walked out the door and into the back lane. Five minutes later David returned with a huge grin on his face, he walked straight up the man and said "That was fucking awsome. You have to sell me this frog!" "Ok then, five hundred dollars" the man replied. "Done" said David. Later that night David arrived home. When he entered the room his girlfriend, who was sitting at the kitchen table looked up and said "How was your day?" David placed the frog on the table in front of her and said "Teach this to cook and clean and get the fuck out!"
A Sailor walked into a bar, and noticed a horse, in a stall, at one end of the bar. In a large bucket in front of the stall was a lot of money. The guy asked, "What's with the horse and money?" The bartender said, "Anyone who puts $10 in the bucket and can make the horse laugh, will win the money." "Well," the guy said, "that ought to be easy enough." He went over to the horse, whispered in his ear, and the horse busted out laughing. The sailor took his money and left. A few months later the same guy walked into the same bar, and there was the same horse with the same bucket of money. The guy asked if the deal was still the same. The bartender said,"No, ever since you were here last, the horse hasn't stopped laughing, so now the deal is that if you can make him cry, without touching him, you get the money." "Well," the guy said, "that's easy too." He walked over to the horse, entered the stall for a minute, did something, and the horse busted out crying. The sailor took his money and started to go. The bartender stopped him and said, "Now wait a minute. first you come in here and make the horse laugh his head off, now you come in and he's crying his eyes out. What did you say and do to that horse?" The sailor replied, "Well the first time, I told him that my dick was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him!"
"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar. "What kind of bird is that sitting on the perch?" "Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!" "I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron. "Just watch," says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the bar and throws it down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, "Crunchy Bird, my paper!" The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti. "Wow," says the customer, "can I try?" "Be my guest," the bartender replies. The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says, "Crunchy Bird, my shoe!" The bird flies down off the perch and picks the shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but a few pieces of leather and a shoelace. Then the bird flies back to his perch behind the bar. Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells, "Gimme a drink NOW!" He looks around the bar snarling and yells at the patrons, "What the Hell are you clowns looking at?" The bar is completely silent. Then the bully notices the bird and says, "What the Hell kind of stupid looking bird is that?" "That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob. The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my eye!"
A man in a bar catches the bartender's attention and presents the following wager: "I'll bet you $20 I can bite my right eyeball." The bartender, who is keen to see this, agrees to the bet. The patron pulls his glass eye out and bites it. "Well, you got me" says the bartender, and heads to the till. "Wait," says the patron, "I'll give you a chance to get your money back. I'll bet you double or nothing I can bite my left eyeball." The bartender, thinking that the patron can't have two glass eyes, agrees to this. Whereupon the patron pulls out his dentures, and clasps them to his left eye. "All right," growls the bartender, "fool me twice..." Again, he heads for the cash register and again the patron stops him. "Once more, double or nothing -- $80 says I take a piss from right here -- and fill that glass at the end of the bar without spilling a drop." This gives the bartender pause. The bar is about 20 feet long. 'No way' he thinks, and agrees to the wager. The patron proceeds to pull out his choad and piss with great force. Urine flies everywhere -- on the floor, on the bar, behind the bar, on other customers. The glass at the end of the bar remains dry. "BUWAHAHAHA!" bawls the bartender. "Lookit that -- not one drop in the glass! $80 -- pay up!" "That's alright," replies the patron. "I bet this other feller here $300 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh at it."
There was once a lemur called Faizal. Faizal was no ordinary lemur. In fact, instead of wasting his time sitting around with the other lemurs, Faizal would spend his days and nights drinking at the local pub. Faizal became a legend, he would sit at the bar and tell stories of lemur legend while everybody bought him drinks. Unfortunately, our friend Faizal had a bit of a temper, and became involved in a horrble dispute one night. One thing led to another and Faizal was horribly dismembered by a young lout with a flicknife. His bloodied corpse lay on the pavement outside the pub, and his severed fluffy tale lay in the gutter. He was pronounced dead at the scene. So disheartened were the pub's patrons that they commisioned a plaque in Faizals honour.They had his cute fluffy tale mounted to a mahogony plaque, which they hung above the bar. One Sunday evening after closing time, there was a knock on the pub door. The bartender opened the door and who should be there but a ghostly possesed visage of the deceased Faizal.
- "Holy mother of Jesus" said the barman, "its Faizal" The ghost lifted a ghostly finger and pointed towards the plaque above the bar, and then towards his own ghostly severed stump where a tail should have been."AH" said the barman, "you want your tail back, dont you ?" The ghostly lemur knodded. "Sorry ",said the barman "we dont retail spirits on a Sunday".
A woman walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. In a quandary the bartender replies, "Anhauser Busch?" The woman answered, "fine and how's your dick?" "Sorry ",said the barman "we dont retail spirits on a Sunday".
